What Life and a Cattle Auction Have in Common
May 2008 in a small Texas town North of the border.
My husband and I were getting ready to celebrate our five year wedding anniversary at the end of the month. Looking back over the five years, they were full of more challenges that I could have thought possible in five years. We were just coming through our biggest challenge, and we decided to take a break and visit family. We surrounded ourselves with what was important, to help us through unimaginable grief.
I had just had my first miscarriage.
To say it was hard would be an understatement. I was shrouded in despair, with very little hope. I knew in my mind that God was in control and that it is through is mercy that he gives and takes away. But at the time I could not see a way out of the grief.
During our visit to Texas my father-in-law took my husband and I to a cattle auction. I had never been, and was interested in seeing the live stock. We walked out on catwalks over hundreds of cows. The air was dusty and smelled of cattle. The animals were sorted by size and color (well probably not color so much as breed). At the end of the catwalk we were standing over the bulls.
There was one bull that caught my eye. He was grey, massive and full of attitude. He was full of life and energy, ready to take on anything.
I was under no disillusion as to why these animals were here to be sold. They would not be living long happy lives in a golden pasture. They would soon be hanging in meat lockers to become dinner for families across Texas. They were going to die.
That's when the shroud of grief slipped from my eyes and I could see past it, and feel the hope of the future.
That bull full of life, was going to die so that others could live. He had no more choice in the matter, than I did in having a miscarriage. That was just the way it was.
But the truth is Life gives way to new life.
I might never understand why I had to experience this loss, but I understood. God had a plan for my life, and this tiny one that grew and died before I ever I got to meet them, had to die so that I could be a mother to the children that God had planned for me.
At the time I didn't know who that would be, naturally born babies, or adopted but I knew that God would honor the desires of my heart and bless our marriage with children...someday.
The pain of loss, has shaped who I am. It is a deep hurt that is healing, but even with this new understanding it still hurts.
I had to go through another miscarriage, before I got medical answers. (I will write another post about this later.) But I am happy to say that there was (and is) still hope in my heart. In May of 2010, two years later we welcomed our precious, miracle baby girl into the world. When she was born I knew that this was who we where supposed to have, and when we were supposed to have her.
Life had to give way to new life. (Tweet this)
If you haven't done so, please read Mother's Manifesto. (To get your free copy all you have to do is sign up for email to be Simply Better.) I express some of this story at the beginning. God controls the timing of baby blessings. He knows how to bless us even better than we know how to ask.